After a night of no sleep I feel like a zombie.
Lights come on about 7am and I keep flipping from acceptance to crying to feeling guilty that if I die it’s everyone else that’s left to deal with things. I hate that others are going to be upset because of me.
“What would you like for breakfast?” Someone rattles of a breakfast menu, I can’t face food but ask for juice, cornflakes. Bacon? No. Roll? No. Nothing else? No.
A Dr I saw last night comes and sees me with a few more questions, more details of what’s happening today. I can’t recall any of the questions he asked.
I wait. I want to go home and hug Katie.
The Dr comes back with a consultant, Anika something, wearing red scrubs. First red ones I’ve seen.
She explains again what has been found and what they’re looking for today. They’ve found some spots on my lungs while looking for blood clots. Took everyone by surprise. It could be cancer it could also be an infection, or benign or any number of things. They have to scan the rest of my organs to see if its spread from somewhere else.
She asks if I’d like her to speak to Katie and I explain that Katie works in the hospital and she kindly offers to update her.
Katie is in bits and there’s nothing I can do. I feel sorry for myself and her. What are we going to do?
About 9.30am I’m handed a bunch of menus and asked to decide what I want for lunch, dinner, breakfast, lunch. I pick random choices, again I couldn’t tell you what I chose I just stared blindly while ticking boxes.
I keep pulling the curtains back round to seal me off from the ward. Man across from me wants to tell everyone his war stories and is desperate to chat. Sorry, I’m not.
It takes everything I have not to start crying uncontrollably on the way to the scan. I’m greeted by a cheery nurse with a Newcastle accent. This is strangely comforting.
I have the scan and am taken back to the ward. I lie down and start sobbing again. I don’t get long to wallow as lunch arrives as I have to compose myself.
Katie is desperate for information, sounds like she’s going through the wringer but there’s nothing I can do. She’s not allowed to see me either due to our ward being for people who’ve been COVID swabbed but with no results yet.
The consultant comes back around 1pm they have my 2nd scan results and she’d like to discuss with me and Katie together. She’s already got Katie in a nearby room. We see each other and just sob and hug. Consultant looks a little awkward but tells us they’ve found a mass on my right kidney too. Worst case scenario is that it’s a kidney cancer that has spread to my lungs.
Ok so I can get worse news. Who knew! They now have to get a urology consultant to see me.
Katie is asking intelligent questions while my mind races of down the worst possible path. After about 15 minutes the consultant leaves Katie and I in private. We sob and hug. Katies been doing it all morning on her work colleagues and I’m quietly pleased she’s been able to do that. We agree we need to tell Kira but won’t ruin Rhians holiday by telling her yet.
I leave her to go back to the ward without looking back. I want to have some dignity as I walk back to my bed. The curtains have been pulled back again, I pull them back round again. I lie down and cry. I don’t want to die.
Katie has gone home to tell Kira. I’m devastated I can’t be there but know its not something Katie can keep from her.
The urology consultant comes to see me at around 3.30pm. Explains in a roundabout way they’ll also need a biopsy, a team will be meeting to discuss my case this week..or next. Tells me possible outcomes, if it’s cancer, they can remove some or all of a kidney but they will probably give me chemotherapy (which is now called something else but I can’t remember) via tablets which could reduce the mass, could also reduce the ones in the lungs too.
He leaves. My head is spinning. Then suddenly I have a clearness. I may have cancer, I may die. I may not. But I have to get my life in order. I have to make sure Katie is protected financially as well as emotionally. I have to make sure I leave instructions for everything only I know how to do. I start a list. It feels positive.
I feel pragmatic, what will be will be. I write more of my list. I have to make sure she has all my passwords.
Leave a Reply