I have the worst nights sleep for a long time. The pain meds just take the edge off but never for very long which means I cannot take a deep breath as it feels like I’m being stabbed. I know Katie was awake really early too. It’s playing on both our minds what they’re going to tell us today.
Dreading the appointment with the consultant at 1.30 😩
Tried to get a bit more sleep but failed.
They now want me at 1.10 for blood test first.
Katie doesn’t know what to say to me and I’m in bits, so anxious, never felt like this before.
Arrive for the blood tests get those done then the long wait to find out what’s going to happen. I play on my phone but don’t really pay any attention.
After what seems like forever, but was probably only about 45 minutes, we’re called by a nurse. I can’t keep up with her as I have to walk so slowly now. We go into a small side room and she tells us what’s going to happen, thankfully Katie is allowed with me.
Over the next 2 hours we see a nurse, a registrar, the consultant and registrar and the nurse again and are bombarded with so much information. Katie asks sensible questions but I glaze over.
They confirm I have kidney cancer, the most common type too, Renal Cell Carcinoma, so that’s a good thing… apparently. It’s treatable but not curable and we’re talking years, not months or days. It’s spread to the lungs but I don’t have lung cancer.
Because I’m “young, fit and healthy” (stop laughing!) I’m a good candidate for immunotherapy. When I get drugs via a drip that will turn my bodies own immune system onto the cancer cells. We won’t know if its successful for 3 months and could make me quite ill if I get any of the many, many side effects.
I’ve never felt like this before, I suddenly become so scared, anxiety rockets through the roof, I want to curl up on the floor and wish it would all just go away. I’m on the edge of breaking down massively.
We’ve spoken about pain management and they want me to take more oramorph which I’m hesitant to do. The treatment is so serious I have to carry a card for the emergency services to see. I also have to specifically go to Guildford A&E if there are any issue.
I’m trying all my coping techniques to keep the shakes at bay, I don’t think I’ve ever been this terrified before.
It’s a strange scenario as Katie is clearly relieved but its now become frighteningly real for me. I’d gone from assuming it had spread so much and because I was in so much pain that I wasn’t going to be around for long. But now I have hope, and a long road a treatment. This had never even occurred to me.
On the drive home I don’t say anything, I’m numb. We get indoors and I go upstairs and lie on the bed and let out all the emotions. Just a few minutes of tears, some silence. I don’t need long but I needed to offload everything that had built up over the last few hours
I’m going to do the treatment and it will start this Thursday. Rhian said it needs to get worse before it gets better, I guess she’s right.
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