I should be used to it by now.

Treatment number 6 tomorrow. I’ve done this 5 times already so am very experienced and know what’s going to happen.

So why am I scared stupid about my treatment tomorrow?

I know what if feels like, the side effects I’ll likely get and how long they’ll last.

I know about the cold sweats, headaches, leg aches, back ache, chest pain and fatigue that can last anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks.

I know about the uncomfortable feeling of the medication first circulating my body, the little bit of nausea and sweating after about 10 minutes that lasts just a few minutes.

I know I’ve been lucky not to have any of the major side effects that can accompany such a toxic and aggressive treatment.

So why am I terrified about treatment #6?

Could it be the fear it’s worked it’s magic and that’s it? I’m not going to continue responding? I’ve had my good news and now it has to be bad? That’s how life works isn’t it?

The truth is I don’t know. What I do know is that I’ve felt crappy all day, really tired and lethargic. My I think this is mental rather than physical.

Having treatment tomorrow is a reminder I’m still seriously ill despite feeling ok for a few days.

I guess I still have some adjusting to do to get used to this new normal.

I need to get used to 1-2 weeks of feeling crappy, 2 weeks feeling ok. To get used to a constant tight chest and aches in my lungs when breathing deeply. To get used to getting tired really easily.

I’ve been told these symptoms may get better over time but that’s long term.

Short term, this is it.

But you know what? I’m ok with that and despite this sounding a little like a pity grab, it isn’t.

I no longer have to fight to breathe, or have stabbing pains in my chest, or struggle to get out of bed every day. I no longer get kidney pains in my back or have no appetite (well maybe I could do with that coming back every now and then)

I also no longer have a constant dry hacking cough that annoys me and everyone around me causing me to double up and nearly pass out from time to time.

So yes I’m scared about tomorrow and that’s normal. That’s ok. This whole journey is scary. Life. Is scary.