I’ve been back at work for almost a month now and have to say it’s been good to get my brain working again. What I didn’t expect was that it would be so hard on me and my body both mentally and physically.
I’m so lucky to have understanding employers and supporters but am very conscious of seeming to be unreliable and am paranoid that one day they’ll say enough is enough. And I’d understand. They need staff they can rely on.
I was hoping to be back full time after 2 weeks of working half days but after 3 weeks I was still struggling with fatigue where I’d shut my laptop at 2pm and then feel like I’ve walked 10 miles. I was so exhausted but not just tired. Sleep didn’t fix it and often I couldn’t sleep as I had aches and pains.
I just had no energy.
On top of this is the seemingly random ways that side effects strike. I can be feeling ok for days then suddenly get stuck down with stomach cramps and nausea (today and yesterday) or aches in my legs or back (last week) or headaches or constipation or any number of seemingly minor ailments that come from nowhere, last from a few hours to a few days and then go.
Each time it happens is a stark reminder to me I’m still very sick. On the outside I do my best to be normal and do forget from time to time.
I just hope the side effects are positive and mean the treatment is still actively kicking cancer to the kerb.
There are still some improvements. I can walk and hold a conversation a lot easier. I can walk a little further now than I could a month ago.
I just wish I could get rid of the fatigue. It’s like I’m held down by a weight and held back. Everything is a battle to just do stuff. It’s got me down the last few days and reached a peak today where I just had to curl up and sleep from about 12pm to 8pm.
I was also feeling really low following the news that racing driver and occasional Top Gear presenter, Sabine Schmitz died overnight from breast cancer, aged 51. She was diagnosed in 2017.
She got 4 years from diagnosis. It made me ask “what will I get?!”.
I know I shouldn’t think like that and I honestly try not to but it’s natural to wonder, to be concerned. To be scared.
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