As we have all found in these strange old times, life goes on.
Steve and I have gone to bootcamp together for years, and now, for the first time really, due to lock down and general apathy on my part, I find myself at bootcamp without him. We have a lot of mutual friends, and I spend a good amount of time answering “how is Steve?”
Quick answer? “He’s doing OK, thank you”
Honest answer? He’s alive, and the last scan showed that the tumours have signicantly reduced in size, but right now he’s actually as poorly as he was when he was first diagnosed. The treatment appears to be making him as fatigued as the cancer did, and he still gets terribly short of breath with even the slightest exertion.
He’s tried going back to work, but has struggled and after a 4 week phased return, he managed less than 2 weeks full time before being signed off again.
I’m struggling with a lack of….. Direction? Clarity? I know it’s not an exact science, that nobody can tell us what the future is going to hold, but apart from the time we spent with the consultant when we first discussed treatment options, all we have had is a 2 minute phone call each month to say that his blood test results are OK and he’s good to go for that treatment cycle.
I feel like I need more than that. I feel like I need someone to help me understand if this is as good as he’s going to be, or whether this will improve. I feel like I can’t plan anything – and nobody is volunteering that sort of information to us.
Steve feels like he knows enough, and I respect that, but our heads work very differently to each other lol!
Maybe I just need someone to tell me that they can’t tell me what I’m desperate to know?
In the meantime we carry on carrying on – grabbing moments when we can, planning our days to optimise the times he is feeling better.
And Wednesday I finally get to have my haircut. And I’m sure suddenly all will seem well in the world once more!
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