Big Steve Big C

Tag: depression

  • Warts and all

    The last few posts on this blog don’t make for pretty reading and a few times I’ve been tempted to take some down. But living with cancer isn’t pretty or easy and there are downs as well as ups. I think it’s important to show everything.

    The good news is that I feel a bit better. I’ve got some additional anti depressants that seem to be helping, they also help with sleep but make me really tired. My Dr says my body should get used to them within a few weeks.

    I’ve also arranged to start some counselling at the Phyllis Tuckwell Hospice and start later this week.

    I’m still struggling a bit with life in general and without any warning something will trigger a full meltdown where I just want to feel normal again without any of the tiredness, or aches or breathlessness or upset stomach or any number of minor ailments bought about by treatment.

    Probably the biggest decision I’ve made is to take a treatment break at the end of the month. Today, September 6th is one year since I was first diagnosed. And in that year I’ve had 13 treatments and God knows how many blood tests, pills, phone calls, injections, cannulas, scans.

    Exhausting is an understatement and I’ve been told it’s ok to take a break from treatment for a maximum of a couple months.

    Takes some time, recover and recharge and start again.

    Next week I start a two week holiday from work. Sounds a bit odd after all the time I’ve been off work sick but during all of that time I never had a break or went away.

    We’re going to Dartmouth in Devon for a few days for some RnR and then will have a staycation for the second week. Try as much as possible to enjoy ourselves and forget about cancer.

  • Why bother?

    All this week I’ve had no energy, felt aches and pains all over again and just been feeling low. A struggle to get up in the morning and start work and all I want to do is sleep.

    Sounds like normal depression. I’ve never understood why it comes and hits me out of nowhere. But depression doesn’t explain the aches and pains and is more a result than a cause.

    Sometimes I feel lucky my treatment is working but others I just wonder why I bother. I’m just existing at the moment and really can’t see anything positive.

    Wake up, work, lunch, sleep, dinner, tv then sleep and repeat every day of the week. Weekends we walk the dogs instead of work. I still spend most of it sleeping.

    I don’t have energy for anything else and some things in life right now are just draining. Is it too much to ask for a quiet life with no drama. I can’t get away from it sometimes.

    People think they have helpful and positive stories about friends or relatives with cancer that lasted beyond expectations. It might be 1, 3, 5 or 10 years but that doesn’t help. It just tells me at best I might see 60. If I’m very lucky.

    This gets me down too. Why not just stop fighting and actually get some life back and enjoy whatever time is left. That seems selfish though.

    Another 4 weeks has passed and I’ve got another round of treatment to look forwards to next week. I know that’s going to make me feel rough for a few days.

    I wonder why I’m still taking treatment that takes away all the energy I have. It may give me more time but at what cost? It’s never going to stop unless it stops working. Then what?!

    I’m not brave. I’m a coward. I don’t like feeling pain and I don’t like the energy sapping, empty battery feeling that engulfs me either. Other people have much worse symptoms and side effects and just get in with it. I have it easy comparatively but I’m not sure how much longer I can keep doing it.