I only got home from hospital a hour ago. Katie and Kira have been to Sainsbury’s and got me some lunch and lots of kefir options. I have a sandwich, crisps, a pepperami, they don’t last long, I hadn’t realised how hungry I was.
The mango kefir is an unusual taste, very thick, seems to want to be fizzy but isn’t. The strawberry one is much nicer, just like a drinking yoghurt.
About 4.30 I try to get some sleep. I can’t as the cough is keeping me awake. It’s bothering me now. I try just lying still but the cough persists.
Kira heads back to Uni as she has another placement shift in the morning.
10.30pm I’m the only one downstairs and start to get quite upset. I don’t know what triggers it but the cough is getting me down too. I’m trying to hold it together but failing. Thoughts and emotions start spiralling, I’m spinning out of control. The thoughts scare me as I don’t know where they’ve suddenly come from.
Rhian comes down from her bath and I break down in the kitchen, sobbing, leaning against the work surface. She comforts me until I gain some control. I’m getting scared, I start doubting if I can do this whole cancer treatment thing.
I go upstairs, our room is dark and I just sit down on the end of the bed and start to unravel. Before I know it the lights are on and Katies there and I start crying. Big loud sobs like I’ve never experienced before.
3 weeks of pent up emotion comes flooding out and I can’t stop it. I’ve never felt this sad, useless, scared ever. I say out load “I can’t do this!” Over and over again through sadness and tears I’ve never felt before.
Rhian also joins our huddle. I don’t know how long it lasts but the 3 of us hug. I wish Kira was here to complete Team Davis.
11.15pm and we all go to our beds, I lie there for an hour or so before drifting off. I don’t know why but I take a selfie of my red, blotchy tear stained and puffy face. I think I need it to remind myself how low I got.