This is a tricky post to write. I don’t want to offend anyone as I know people care so much and I have so many friends and relatives worried about me that I want to just be honest.
I have cancer. It’s ok to talk to me about cancer. We can mention the word cancer. It’s not a taboo subject or “she/it/he who must not be mentioned” like Lord Vol…..
It’s ok to laugh and joke about it. I’ve had time to accept it but I know that it’s a difficult subject to talk about but please don’t avoid it. It doesn’t have to be awkward.
It’s not going anywhere and not talking about it doesn’t magically make it disappear. Ask me questions if you’re curious.
I have nothing to hide, talking about my cancer helps me and it will help you too.
Most importantly do not feel sorry for me. “I’m so sorry” is something I’ve heard so many times and I know it comes from a place of caring but you don’t need to be sorry. You didn’t give me cancer.
I don’t need pity either. I can see it in the eyes of some people when they talk to me and again it’s from a place of caring but I’m ok.
Yes it’s shitty to have cancer but it is what it is and while I wish I didn’t have it I have to get on with it.
For everyone that has come along with me on this journey so far and that has contacted me, thankyou. I’m amazed at the feedback from my blog, the number of followers is staggering to me but as I’ve mentioned before, writing helps me first and foremost. Anything else is a bonus.
I didn’t think I was going to enjoy New Years Eve 2020, but surrounded by my most important people, I had a lovely evening. We played some silly games, I had a couple of small beers and we watched the fireworks and drone show from London on TV.
I did find myself strangely emotional watching the drone show and fireworks, they caught the moment and caught me off guard when reviewing 2020 and looking forward to 2021 and I found myself crying quietly amongst the noise and flashing lights from the TV. The first tears I’ve shed since before Christmas Day which is surprising.
I know it’s been a tough year for a lot of people, with Covid making all the headlines and affecting everyone. Some falling ill, some losing their livelihoods, some struggling with mental health while others just doing their best to get by. I’ve seen some stories of friends overcoming all sorts of obstacles that life has thrown at them as well as facing challenges just as difficult as me.
My Cancer diagnosis in September has obviously been my personal focus for the last 4 months and there have been days I’ve been very ill and days where you couldn’t tell I was ill. However through it all I have been surrounded by amazing love and support from Katie, Kira and Rhian as well as family and close friends. I’ve also been supported by Phyllis Tuckwell Hospice, the staff at St Lukes and Frimley Park. Just as importantly my employer and my Boss has been incredibly supportive with no pressure on me to do anything other the look after number one.
Next week I plan to start back at work in some form although I’m not kidding myself that it will be a few weeks before I can get near to “normal”, if that even exists any more.
I also have the first of my “single” immunotherapy treatments. Blood test on Monday, consult with my oncologist on Tuesday and hopefully (it’s not been confirmed yet), treatment on Thursday.
I’ve tried really hard over Christmas to remain positive and upbeat, take time to chill when I need it but not to get wrapped up in self pity. I think I’ve succeeded as we’ve had a nice time. It’s hard when we can’t get out and socialise and the 4 walls start closing in but we’ve all been patient with each other and made the most of what we have. A few times I’ve felt close to tears but then take a step back and look at everything I have to be thankful for.
I’m still here, I feel ok, I have amazing support, a beautiful family, I’m financially secure. I can’t really ask for more than that.
I have lots to look forward to in 2021 and lets face it it’s going to be hard to not be better than 2020. I want to get back to work to keep my mind busy, I want to find out that the treatment has been stopping the cancer from growing, I want to ride my motorbike, I want to see friends start their families, I want to drive my Tesla, I want to see the back of Covid and the return to normal daily life.
Most of all I want to be able to be fit and healthy enough to enjoy the coming year.
I have one resolution for 2021. I want to be here to make resolutions for 2022.
