I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up yet another prescription earlier today and it highlighted something I’ve been thinking the last few days.
I feel like a fraud.
Now that the pain is under control, the side effects from the last treatment are tailing off and I’m making a concerted effort to move a bit more I can’t help think that to anyone else it looks like there’s nothing wrong with me now.
I’ve not worked since the start of September with my second “fit note” now signing me off until the end of the year to allow me to complete all 4 treatments in the first round along with the follow up scans and tests.
I feel really guilty not working, especially now there are no obvious signs of what’s actually going on in my body right now. So what if I’m tired? Lots of people get tired. So what if I get out of breath just climbing the stairs? I sit in a chair all the time I’m working.
I have to remind myself of just how bad the pain was just a few weeks back and the massive amounts of opiates I’m having to take to suppress it and also the battle going on inside my body with my immune system attacking the cancer cells.
I’ve read in numerous documents that side effects from the immunotherapy treatment can happen at any time and the risks increases the more treatments I have. I also know that my concentration levels are virtually zero at the moment.
So on the surface I may look fine right now but this can change suddenly.