What the future holds

When I first got my cancer diagnosis I did what apparently most people do when they get the same news, I went to a very dark place and assumed I was going to die in a matter of days or at most weeks. I had 2 weeks of assuming the worst before I spoke to a consultant with the treatment plans who mentioned years.

Stupidly, I even started worrying that I wouldn’t get to see the full series of Long Way Up, the latest motorbike adventure by Ewan MacGregor and Charley Boorman. Their first two series from 2004 and 2007 are what got me into motorbikes and annual trips into France and Germany with friends. Apple TV+ was releasing one episode a week.

Knowing “years” was initially comforting but as the weeks have gone by some of the darkness has crept back. What does years mean? Will I see 60? The statistics say no. Do I actually want to know, should I just live everyday as if its my last. I usually trying and push it aside with some positive thoughts about the here and now.

Now, friends that I usually travel with each year for an annual motorbike trip are planning the 2021 trip. The 2020 trip was cancelled due to Covid and everyone is hopeful that vaccines and controls will mean a 2021 trip is possible. That’s not stopping them from making sure their bookings are refundable though.

Now what do I do? I have no idea if I will even be here, yet alone be able to ride a motorbike or go on a road trip. This makes me really sad and angry at firstly the cancer and then covid. I’ve been going day to day feeling ok recently. Almost normal apart from the tiredness but then this slaps me hard as a wake up call. I still have cancer and my future is uncertain.